Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
