Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
