I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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