WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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