You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
