She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
