Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
