My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
