Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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