is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
