He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's official drugs can't kill me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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