i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
