If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
