my phone needs a breathalizer
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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