Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
