Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
