I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
