I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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