I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
