Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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