Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She even gives head with a lisp.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
