me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
