There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
