I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
