His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
