he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
