i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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