He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
