mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
