if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
