saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
