we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
