Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
