I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
don't judge my taste in strippers
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
