This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
