Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
