you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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