woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
