6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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