I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
