theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
