Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
