everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
