I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I love how my cats smell like pot.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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