I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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