I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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