I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
