she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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