I accidentally had phone sex last night
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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