I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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