the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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